Journal Entry

29 October 2007
I’ve had a lot to think about lately as there has been so much going on for us. I feel like I need to record some of my experiences and feelings from the past couple of weeks.

I’m really excited about my new midwife. I met her on Tuesday the 23rd and she’s great. I feel completely at peace about my choice to have her deliver our baby. She is very professional yet nurturing and available at all times. I feel very strongly that for me this is the way to go. I never thought I’d be excited about the actual process of having a baby, but I really am. I know it will be hard, but it is such an amazing gift to be able to have a baby and to be able to do it without medication, just drawing on my own ability to relax and let things progress the way they should. Of course it is important to be prepared for complications should they arrive, and I would never risk the health of myself or my baby. It’s nice to work with a midwife because they tend to view birth more like I do. I believe that since women were created to be able to carry babies and give birth, I should be able to do so naturally. I feel like too many doctors and hospitals view pregnancy as a medical condition or an illness. I am grateful for the advances in medicine, and it’s nice to know that if something goes wrong or if I became high-risk in any way, there are specialists who can take care of me. Natural childbirth feels right to me. It seems like there are fewer complications with low-risk women who deliver with midwives (at least the ones I’ve researched). And all the women I’ve talked to who have done it that way plan to do it the same way again and are always really happy with the choice. I completely respect the individual right to choose though because what’s right for me may not be right for someone else.
The closer it gets, the more excited I am to meet my baby. He moves around inside of me so much to remind me of what is to come. I know it will be a lot of work, and I’m content to wait as long as it takes for him to come (hopefully I’ll still be saying that once December arrives). I am hoping that it will be before Christmas though. I’ve been thinking that it would be nice to have a party for my 30th birthday (Jan 31st) and have everyone who can come out here to celebrate and to meet Hyrum. Then we could bless him the following Sunday. It would be awesome if some friends were able to come see us too. Hopefully we’ll have a couple friends by the end of January, but it would be nice to see some of our good friends.

On Saturday the 20th, Jared and I had to opportunity to attend a funeral for Jack Bitner Nelson. Jack passed away after living just two months. There were some complications surrounding his birth and he even had to have open heart surgery. His parents, Darren and Sarah Nelson seemed completely at peace despite this huge trial in their life. There were so many people at the funeral to support these strong, grieving parents. Jared and I truly learned a lot just from attending this funeral. Darren was one of Jared’s mission companions and one of his best friends from his mission. Jared said he never saw him so somber and he could tell that this experience had helped him grow. There was a comment that the short life of baby Jack had brought a lot of people to their knees. Many people prayed for him and drew nearer to God by doing so. Darren and Sarah both expressed their gratitude for the time they had with Jack and the lessons they learned and are still learning. President Gordon B Hinckley is Sarah’s grandfather and he was the concluding speaker at the memorial service. It was amazing to be taught by the prophet of God in such an intimate way, especially at the funeral of his own great-grandson. We were able to catch a glimpse of how close he is to our Father in Heaven when he seamlessly went from speaking to the congregation to asking for blessings on behalf of the grieving family.

On Wednesday the 24th, I had the opportunity to fly to Virginia to visit my Grandpa (aka Poppop). Poppop was recently diagnosed with lung cancer that has spread to virtually all of his organs. He must have been living with it for many years without knowing it. They don’t know how much longer he has to live, but he isn’t expected to make it more than a few months. I was able to apply the lessons from Jack’s funeral to this experience with Poppop. Our family has a lot of differences and I really think that turning everyone’s attention on Poppop is a way to get past some of those. It’s not easy for anyone, but it’s the hard things that help us grow the most.

General Conference

The final session of General Conference just ended a few minutes ago. I want to record some of my thoughts while they are fresh in my mind.

This is a link to the General Relief Society Meeting transcripts:
http://www.lds.org/broadcast/grsm/0,6220,285-1-41-1281,00.html

The relief society meeting made me reflect on my friends in McCall and miss the comfort that I felt there. I really feel like I grew a lot while we were in McCall. I had wonderful opportunities to visit teach and serve in many capacities. We also grew as a family. It seemed easy for us to count our blessings and recognize so many of the ways that Heavenly Father was looking out for us. Jared's calling as Elders Quorum president really blessed us a lot. We were always amazed when we saw the hand of the Lord in the lives of those we served. That was most evident for Jared as he felt impressed to contact certain people or arrange home teaching a certain way. I never felt like Jared's calling got in the way of our family life or put a burden on me. Instead, I loved seeing the good that he was doing. I think it made him a better husband and father because he was always looking for ways to serve. The friendships we made in McCall will forever be remembered. The McCall 2nd ward has some of the most amazing members. So many wonderful people who taught us so much through their quiet example. I am so grateful for each of them. I'm grateful for leaders, teachers, friends, youth, little children and smiling babies. It was so nice to get to know so many people individually. I wish we had taken more opportunities to spend time with more families and individuals. I know that a lot of people don't know how much of an impact they had on us. Such sweet, humble people.

The broadcast reminded me of how much I appreciate all of these people and how much we all need each other. It made me want to do more as a visiting teacher and as a sister in the Relief Society.

As for the past two days, General Conference was a delight as always. I am excited that Elder Eyring is now President Eyring. I know that he will offer great support to Presidents Hinckley and Monson and that he will offer great leadership to the members of the church and a great example to the world. I hope to be able to sustain him in any way that I can. I'm eager to "get to know" Elder Cook as he serves in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. He served as Area President in Jared's mission, giving Jared the opportunity to meet him. At a zone conference, Elder Cook challenged Jared to eat a monstrous baked potato, which he did. Kind of a funny memory, but neat that Jared was able to meet him.

I set a few goals for myself based on my feelings from the talks given.

1. Study the talks from RS meeting and Saturday General sessions before the November Ensign comes. The talks from General Conference will be available this coming Thursday at www.lds.org.
2. Evaluate the things I do regularly and find ways to replace them with "better or best" things. (Elder Oaks' talk and President Hinckley's closing remarks prompted me to do this.)
3. Use "Preach My Gospel" in personal study at least twice each week.
4. Work on Family History - set goals, get questions answered (what do I do?), find a way to get Grandpa Bauer's work done (Jay needs to be a big part of this).
5. Give away media cards regularly - set goals and don't be afraid to approach strangers when prompted, just do it!
6. Write down the ways I see the Lord blessing my life and the life of my loved ones (President Eyring's talk).

Obedience

What does it mean to be obedient?

• keep the commandments
• take upon you the name of Christ
• allow your will to be "swallowed up" in the will of the father - even as Jesus did (Mosiah 15:7)

More about obedience:

• Obedience is the first law of Heaven.
• It is an act of faith.
• It gives protection - armor from temptation.
• As we obey, we increase in faith, knowledge, wisdom, testimony, protection and freedom.
• Commandments help us understand Heavenly Father's wil for us.
• Obedience brings salvation.
• When we are obedient to our covenants, the Lord is bound by that and must bless us. When we disobey, we have no promise. (D&C 82:8-10)
• If we obey, we are like the wise man, building upon a sure foundation. When the storms (trials) come (and they come to both the foolish man and the wise man) we will be able to withstand them.
• If we obey, we will learn that it is right. (John 7:17)
• We show our love to God by keeping His commandments.
• We need to obey without questioning how or why and just trust that the Lord will provide a way, because he always does.
• The Lord sometimes chastens us to teach obedience.
• It is just as important to do the little things as it is to do the big things. Maybe even more important because each small act of obedience prepares us to be obedient in bigger things that stretch our faith. If we don't think the small things are important then how can we be trusted to follow in the bigger things. (example of Naaman in 2 Kings 5:1-14)
• There is no need to fear when we obey - God will protect us.
• Obey with exactness.
• Have a firm mind and put trust in God continually.

I truly believe that we are happier if we are obedient in all things. When I think of the commandments that need to be obeyed, a few come instantly to mind. Prayer, scripture study, serving our fellow men, living to be worthy of our Father's presence and to have the Spirit with us. When I do these things, life tends to make more sense and I am happier. I don't get as weighed down by the things of the world. Some people think of commandments as burdens or restrictions, but I know that in a very real sense, they bring us freedom and allow us to become better than we can be alone and closer to who we should be trying to be. I know that Heavenly Father loves me. I know that He expects a lot of His children so that we can progress. I am so grateful for this knowledge. I know that Jesus Christ suffered for my sins because He loves me and because He was willing to drink that bitter cup because it was the Father's will. I am pretty sure I'd be lost without this knowledge. I know these things because I can feel them and I can feel a difference in my life and in myself when I live according to them. I feel blessed in so many ways, and I feel so small when I look at all the responsibility that I have because I know these things. It's a good thing I don't have to do it by myself.

Patience

Yesterday and today I studied the attribute of patience for my scripture study. I've been using the Preach My Gospel missionary study guide to help be study by topic instead of just reading. There is a section that lists some Christ-like attributes and I've been choosing one to work on every day or two. I think I am getting more out of this by recording my thoughts. So here are my thoughts about patience.

• The sons of Mosiah wanted to preach the truth to the Lamanites because they couldn't bear the thought of any soul being lost and suffering in sin. The knew from personal experience the difference and joy the gospel can bring to those who repent. When they were ready to quit, the Lord told them to patiently bear the burdens placed upon them and they would have success.
• Often we are given opportunity to show our faith by patiently bearing our burdens.
• Because the sons of Mosiah endured, they brought many to the truth - and all were truly converted. They proved their commitment to God and their desires to love their fellow men by burying their weapons and making a covenant that they would not even fight those who were trying to kill them.
• Sometimes we can make additional commitments that are not necessarily required of us to show God that we want to do what is right and draw nearer to Him.
• Patience, hope, and faith all work together.
• We must be patient with everyone, including family, friends and ourselves.
• The Lord chastens his people and tries our faith.
• If we submit patiently, it shows that we have faith and strengthens us - we are able to prove ourselves.
• We need to pray for patience.
• The fruit is sweeter if we have to wait for it & work for it.
• Patience allows us to have control - possess our souls & gain eternal life (D&C 101:38)
• Patience gives us experience, hope, & love of God.
• Patience shows that we have faith that all will work out.
• "Be still and know that I am God." Psalms 46:10 - Just trust Him.

There is some really good counsel about patience. I hope that I can show more faith by being patient in my trials. I am trying to pray for help with this attribute. I know that Heavenly Father will help me, I trust that He knows what is best for me and that He can get me through anything. I also know that I will be closer to my full potential on the other side of the trials. I have been through a lot in my life and I know that each trial has molded me into a stronger person. I know that through the Atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ, I can make it through anything. I can forgive others, I can improve myself, I can be forgiven of my sins, and I can endure to the end and gain exaltation. But I also know that I have to work to make those things happen, luckily I don't have to do it alone. I am so grateful for a kind and loving Father in Heaven who, with great understanding set up a plan for our progression. I'm grateful for the opportunity I have to prove myself and I know that if I give it my all, I will be able to live with Him and my family again.

Some notes about humility & pride

In my scripture study the last few days I've been focusing on humility and avoiding pride. Here are some of the things I want to remember.

• I need to repent daily - make myself clean through the blood of the Lamb
• Pray more fervently - avoid getting casual in my prayers
• Trust & obey completely
• Don't procrastinate!
• The humble shall be exalted - those who exalt themselves (pride) shall be abased
• Think often of all that Christ has done for us, for me
• Be more grateful
• Heavenly Father shows us our weakness if we come to Him - if we humble ourselves before Him, he will make weak things strong. (Ether 12:27)
• Humility allows us to assist in the work and be instruments for good
• If we strip ourselves from jealousies & fears and be humble, we can see & know God
• Wisdom comes through humility
• Trust in the Lord and he will bring prosperity (prosperity does not have to mean money or temporal goods, don't overlook the true wealth in life)
• When you are prideful you love pleasures more than God (how often do I put worldly things before uplifting things?) (2 Timothy 3:1-4)
• The prideful take the truth to be hard - they hate reproof (am I humble when reproved or do I fight it?) I need to be willing to accept reproof and make changes.
• "Correction is grievous unto him that forsaketh the way: and he that hateth reproof shall die." -Proverbs 15:10 I think it's talking about spiritual death here. It reminds me of the time Joseph Smith publicly rebuked Brigham Young and instead of taking offense as so many did, he knew that Joseph was speaking out of love and he repented.
• Pride brings contention.

I can see the power that can come through obedience and humility. If we can submit our wills to the will of the Father, just as Christ did when he said, "Father if thou be willing, remove this cup from me, nevertheless, not my will but thine be done." If we can do this, our lives will become what Heavenly Father makes them. We will feel His presence with us constantly and we will be instruments in His hands. I want to see that true power in my own life. I am going to work on being more humble and obedient.

29

I had a good birthday today. I'm one year away from 30 and it has felt a little old just because 30 feels to me like real adult-hood and it used to feel so far away. Putting it into perspective though, I realize that I've lived a good 29 years and when I add all the memories and experiences up getting older becomes more of a positive than a negative. Jared got me the best shoes ever - the Keens I wanted! And a cool pack for camping that I'm excited to use. Also a gift card for Bed, Bath & Beyond. Wow! Lot's of good stuff. And he made me a great dinner to top it all off. I like birthdays.

Getting up early and going to Curves hasn't been easy for me, but it feels really good. I don't really think I've lost any weight yet, but it feels good to be sticking with my plan. I wanted to do this for a few reasons. First, I want to feel healthier - none of this out of breath from going up and down the stairs. Second, I knew it would give me more energy. Third, it starts my day on a productive note and keeps me from sleeping in. Fourth, I want to be in shape before I have another baby & I want to have an excersize routine so that I can keep in going when I get pregnant again (someday).
I guess it's time to go. 5:58 am.